Hey all.

Has anyone ever noticed how I tend to punish myself for hurting people?  It's really sad.  Like today.  See, Caleb and I went to Mallory's last night to watch Batman Begins, and before that I asked my mom if it was ok because I didn't want her to feel bad because she just had surgery on Tuesday and I didn't want her to feel abandoned.  She said it was fine, so we went.  Well, right after we got out of our tiny town, the car started making wierdo noises.  Also, this one light lighted up and we didn't know what it meant.  So we pulled off into a driveway, but it was one of those long country driveways, at night, with no other houses around, so we went on because we didn't want to stay there(hey, 2 teenage kids stuck in the middle of nowhere with their car messing up?  Somehow, that doesn't say "safe" to me).  So we went on, both of us praying in our heads for the car to be good just long enough for us to get to Mallory's.  While we were praying, I got this thought in my head: I should go home to Mama.  Thinking that was just my conciounce(sp), I ignored it and we went on.  The car actually stopped being wierd and got us to Mallory's.  So we sat down and watched the movie, and then afterward Mallory and Caleb and I started talking about Marching Band.  I actually asked her to tell me if she thought I would make a good captain without trying to spare my feelings, and she said she thought I would because I am patient, but said I would have to toughen up, but that's beside the point.  My mom called then, and Caleb talked to her and when he got off the phone he said, "Emily, we need to go home now."  So we went, and when we got in the car Caleb said that Mama had said that she felt abandoned(she was drugged(pain meds), so her emotions were hightened, she told me later today).  So we got home and Mama didn't want to talk to us, so we both went to bed after making sure that she knew that we love her.  So I set my alarm for 5:30 so I could get up and make her breakfast in bed to apologize.  Of course, I overslept, idiot that I am.  So after school we called her again and asked her if she still felt bad, and she still did.  So I went out to the car, hysterical for making her feel bad, and actually started scraping my arm with my fingernails.  At first it was a punishment, but then I thought, you know, I know people who actually do this for real.  Do I really want to make a habit out of scraping myself?  So I stopped.  Then later as we were eating I decided not to eat.  At first I thought it was because I wasn't hungry, but then I realized that it was actually because I wanted to punish myself.  Sad.  But then we did a run through, which made me feel better because Mrs. P said that we are up to a Superior, the highest level.  So yeah.  Must go.  Dad wants the computer.  Until to anyone who reads this!

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